The Loneliness of Divorce

Karen BigmanCoaching, Divorce Process


It took me some time to figure out why I started The Divorcierge. The obvious answer is that I had a difficult time dealing with my divorce and wanted to help others who might be experiencing the same thing. In fact, I had a tough time for very different reasons than others who have gone into Divorce Coaching. Unlike many divorce professionals, I did not suffer from a long, protracted, high-conflict divorce. Our divorce was a successful mediation with no custody decisions as our youngest was 18.

I had been with my husband for 25 years when we separated. We agreed to be amicable and stuck to it. I was under the false impression that this would be a smooth transition. It made things a lot easier not to have the external conflict-internally it was another story.

The security and dependence I had on my husband for so many years had suddenly disappeared. Simple questions like: What should I have for dinner? Does this outfit look alright? What color should the sofa be? What are we doing this weekend? No longer had answers.

There was no one to ask  “what are we doing this weekend?” More difficult decisions like where to invest my settlement, should I buy my own house, can I afford a trip to visit my son, were all left to me. And while I fancy myself financially astute, I hadn’t realized the comfort my husband’s approval had provided.

What I least anticipated about divorce is how lonely it could be. You may be lucky enough to have friends and family that support you. Some make it better, some worse. Your loved one’s well-intentioned words “I never liked him anyway,” “she was never a good mother,” “don’t worry you’ll meet someone new,” tend to make you feel worse and more alone than ever.

It was that feeling of loneliness that brought me to divorce coaching. I strive to help my clients feel less alone when dealing with divorce. Knowing that there’s someone there to ask those simple questions to or to direct them to when there’s nowhere to turn. Being that non-judgemental voice on the phone, the one to answer the quick question, even the person who can just be there for you to rant and cry, so you don’t have to do it alone, that’s why I do this.

Yes, divorce is hard, it can be devastating. Sometimes, you wonder how people can behave the way they do. But at the end of the day, I know my clients feel less alone, that’s why I’m a Divorce Coach.